Listening Starts with a Good Question
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)
In interpersonal relationships—whether in friendships, marriages, families, mentorships, or professional partnerships—the quality of communication often determines the depth and health of the connection. One of the most powerful yet often underestimated tools in fostering meaningful communication is the ability to ask good questions. While statements communicate, questions invite. They draw people out, open space for vulnerability, and demonstrate a posture of interest and humility.
Scripture tells us that every person we meet has value because they are made in the image of God (1). The psalmist tells us that God made humans…’ a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor’ (2). One way to demonstrate value, honor, and care to another person is through the practice of asking good questions (and then listening intently). Sociologists tell us that most people prefer to talk about themselves rather than listen to others (3).
Scripture directs us to live our lives in an unselfish, other-centered manner.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (4).
When we ask a person good, open-ended, insightful, and caring questions, we are demonstrating that we ‘value them above ourselves.’ Many people have never learned or developed the habit of asking thoughtful, caring questions, the type of questions that communicate value to the person being asked.
So, how do we ask thoughtful, caring questions?
From Curiosity to Connection: Three Ways to Ask Well
What follows are three essential qualities of good questions in interpersonal relationships.
1. Open-Ended Questions Invite Exploration, Not Limitation
A good question invites rather than restricts. Open-ended questions—those that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no"—create room for elaboration, emotion, and story. In contrast, closed-ended questions may shut down dialogue or subtly communicate control or disinterest (5). For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” (which prompts a binary response), a more fruitful question might be, “What was the most interesting part of your day?” This approach opens the door to nuanced and meaningful conversations.
Open-ended questions respect the complexity of people’s thoughts and experiences. They reflect a belief that others have something of value to share—whether it’s insight, pain, or joy. In relationships, such questions can disarm defensiveness and invite deeper levels of trust. They encourage authenticity and demonstrate a willingness to engage the whole person, rather than merely extracting information (6).
2. Good Questions Are Rooted in Genuine Curiosity and Care
Questions that emerge from authentic curiosity—rather than manipulation, obligation, or pretense—are far more likely to foster connection. When someone senses that a question is asked out of true interest in who they are and how they feel, it builds relational safety. In contrast, when questions are used to interrogate, correct, or appear polite without emotional investment, they often come across as mechanical or even intrusive (7).
Genuine curiosity often stems from empathy. It reflects a desire to understand the other person’s perspective, rather than forcing agreement or winning a conversation. It also requires a level of self-forgetfulness—choosing to be fully present with the other, rather than preparing the next response or steering the conversation toward oneself (8).
James tells us to be ‘quick to listen and slow to speak’ (9). Often, the most meaningful questions arise not from a rehearsed script but from a spirit of genuine attentiveness and relational investment (10).
3. Good Questions Are Timed with Emotional Sensitivity
Even a well-worded question can fall flat—or cause harm—if poorly timed. Emotional sensitivity involves perceiving the other person’s mood, circumstances, and readiness to engage. Timing questions with discernment means recognizing when to delve deeper and when to hold back, when silence may be more healing than words, and when affirmation may need to precede inquiry (11).
Proverbs tells us ‘a word spoken at the right time is like apples of gold in silver settings’ (12).
For example, asking a grieving friend, “What are you learning through this?” might be insightful in the long run but hurtful in the immediate aftermath of loss. In such moments, timing is everything. Good questions emerge from listening not just to words, but to tone, body language, and emotional cues. Sensitivity creates space for the right question to emerge at the right moment.
This timing also includes knowing when to follow up. A good question may not yield a response right away, but when gently revisited at the right time, it can bear fruit. Like gardening, good questioning involves planting seeds, waiting, and tending the relational soil (13).
Asking Good Questions Communicates Love
Asking good questions is not merely a communication technique—it is an act of love. Open-ended structure, genuine curiosity, and emotional sensitivity work together to foster a climate of trust, discovery, and intimacy. In a world marked by hurried conversations and shallow exchanges, the person who asks good questions stands out as a wise and compassionate presence. Cultivating this art may take time, but its fruit is enduring: deeper relationships, stronger empathy, and mutual growth.
Paul R. Madson, PhD
References
(1) Genesis 1:26-27 (NIV)
(2) Psalm 8:5 (NIV)
(3) Tamir, D. (2012). Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding | PNAS. Disclosing information about the self is intrinsically rewarding. https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1202129109
(4) Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
(5) Kouzes, J. M., & Posner, B. Z. (2023). The leadership challenge: How to make extraordinary things happen in organizations (7th ed.). John Wiley and Sons.
(6) Adams, M. (2016). The Art of Listening in a Healing Way.
(7) Schein, E. H. (2013). Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. Berrett‑Koehler Publishers.
(8) Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
(9) James 1:19 (NIV)
(10) Kline, N. (1999). Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind.
(11) Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships.
(12) Proverbs 25:11 (CSB)
(13) Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships.
